Homesick

With enough time alone, I have managed to build a shelter in my heart where I reside, from all kinds of ongoing disturbances. When things get unbearable and every word seems like the last straw, I can always find my way back and take refuge within. I would sit under my wisdom and wait patiently for the truth to reveal itself. An esoteric aura is quickly formed as a powerful protective shield that overfills you with calmness and gratitude. I honestly have no idea how I ended up here. All I know is I have been guided, by a mixture of good and evil voices, plus a lot of what is beyond.

And I miss home so much. I miss my mom even more. Raising a girl I guess is one of the most difficult things ever. As I am, a full bag of emotions. They can pile up like a mountain and even my mom could only wander around the foothills. As I grow older, there has come the time I start giving away my heart to some stranger. As a parent, it would be such a tortue to watch them play with it freely, something you hold dearly and delicately the whole time she is with you. You can't protect her enough. It would take a lot of courage in a mother to let the kid out in the world, and a lot of faith in the universe to take a good care of her. I am doing my best and life indeed has treated me well. My mom has done the best job ever and she can now rest assured at the back seat.

Breaking free comes with a price. Once I am in, I am all in. I know it is foolish of me and I run the risk of hurting myself. If everything fell apart, it would collapse altogether and I would lose myself completely. I will be able to restore it, but it will take time. At that moment, the only shelter I need would be her arms, knowing that I will be safe there and it will never change. It's embarassing to only begin loving your mother more at this age, when most of the fun has run out. But life is getting really tough these days.

The more you detach from most things, the more attached you become to what remains. This yin-and-yang dynamics develops so subtly yet fiercely, and even more so the moment you choose what to let in and what to let go.